Not by Andy Rooney
You know what really grinds my gears? Artificial Intelligence. AI, they call it. I just don’t get it. They say it’s the future, but last time I checked, the future was supposed to be full of flying cars and robot maids—not invisible brains that know more about me than I do.
Now, they’ve got these things called “smartphones.” Smart? I remember when a phone was smart if it had a cord long enough to reach the kitchen. Now, these things can find a restaurant, pay for dinner, and even take a photo of your meal before you eat it. Why does my sandwich need a photo shoot? It’s a sandwich, not a supermodel.
I remember a time when “smart” referred to a person who read a lot of books, not a refrigerator that tells you you’re out of milk. Really, a fridge that knows your grocery list? What’s next, a toaster that gives you life advice? “Hey, Andy, maybe you should lay off the butter.” Thanks, toaster, but I think I’ll manage my cholesterol without your input.
And what’s with these voice assistants? They say you can ask them anything, but half the time they can’t even understand a simple question. “Hey Siri, what’s the weather?” “I found three Italian restaurants near you.” Great, just what I needed, a side of spaghetti with my forecast.
Then there’s this thing called “machine learning.” They say the machines learn from us. Well, if they’re learning from us, we’re in big trouble. Last week, I saw a kid trying to microwave a Pop-Tart without taking it out of the wrapper. If that’s what AI is picking up, we’re all doomed.
Self-driving cars? They say they’re safer than human drivers, but I’ve seen the way people drive. What’s a robot car going to do when it hits a pothole? Update its software? If I wanted to sit in a car that drove itself, I’d just take a nap in a taxi. And don’t even get me started on parallel parking. If a robot car can do that, it’s probably plotting to take over the world.
They say AI can do anything humans can do, but faster and better. Well, if AI is so smart, let’s see it find my glasses when I’ve misplaced them. Or better yet, let it try to figure out why my remote control only works when I stand on one leg and point it just right.
So, here’s to the good old days when a phone was just a phone, a car was something you drove, and intelligence was something you earned by reading a book, not something you downloaded. If this is progress, I think I’ll just stick to my typewriter and rotary phone, thank you very much.
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